Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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