I'm lost and stupid without you.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
