Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
