somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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