Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
