Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
