I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
