She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
