He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
pray to the hookup gods
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
