I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
