Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
