I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
