i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
