Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
