Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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