dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
