My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
