I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
