Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He felt like a one man threesome
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
