I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
