I accidentally had phone sex last night
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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