I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
