I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
