Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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