If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
