sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
