My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
