I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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