saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
