so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
