I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
