So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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