I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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