At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
