She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
