Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
