I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
