Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
