Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
