yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
