she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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