I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
