chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
