Dude my mom stole all your condoms
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
