Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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