I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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