He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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