Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
