I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
