Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
