im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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