Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
